Tuesday, October 26, 2010

the "C" word............

Ugh. The "C" word......dare I say it....its kinda like the black plague in my family. Just saying the word makes me feel sick and nauseated. Just hearing the word makes me sad and scared. I'm talking about C....C....C....Cancer, bluck.
I have lost a Grandpa, an Aunt, and a few close family friends to the "C" word. I have also had a Grandma, Aunts, friends, and co-workers who have fought it or ARE currently fighting it.
Right now, at this moment I have a sister (my twin sister) who is fighting the "C" word. I just returned from a roadtrip halfway across the mid- US to see her with the three kiddos in tow.
1800+ miles with three kids and about 14 bathroom breaks.......but it was totally worth it.
I knew my sister previously had procedures done to remove cancerous cells from her cervix and her bladder. She has explained this horrific treatment to her bladder where there go in through her urethra and shoot "medicine" straight into her bladder. Little did I know that this procedure was taking place on a regular basis as well as that she was taking two doses of Chemotherapy pills daily. :(
She didn't tell me that she was taking Chemo for her Bladder "C" word until I seen her actually take it. She said that she would be sick to her stomach in about an hour or so. I asked her what the heck she was taking that was gonna make her throw up.....she said "my chemo". I literally felt my heart drop into my shoe. "Your What?? Did you say CHEMO? When did you start taking Chemo? How many MG's is it? How long have you been taking it? OMG, Chemo? I had no idea"
Crystal says "whoa...slow down. Yes it's Chemo. I take it twice a day."
At this point I didn't actually start crying cause I was in shock, but tears were rolling down my cheeks. MY TWIN sister has the "C" word and its REAL. She takes Chemo?? I asked her "why didnt you tell me?" and she says "I didnt want you to freak out like you are right now, you had plenty to worry about with Josh leaving and Randi's breast cancer scare." I must have had a "are you freaking kidding me" look on my face cause she said "What?" All I could muster up was "I can't believe you are taking chemo, I didnt know". So after I cried for a few minutes in silence she says "Are you done?" I'm like yeah for now and she says "I'll be okay. Yes Im sick but I'll be fine." She says "I wish the C word would get the C word so it would kill itself! LOL....leave it to my quirky sister to say something like that to make me laugh when Im screaming on the inside.
I heart her. :)
Crazy how she was comforting ME when less than 15 minutes after our (well my) mini-breakdown she is on her knees in the bathroom dry heaving. She was pale, her skin was on fire, and her eyes were watering. I have a weak stomach when I hear people throw up or make a gagging noise, so I couldnt listen to her heaving. I did take her a glass of water when she was done that she heaved up just a few minutes later. When she was finished getting sick she came into her living room where I was sitting and said she needed to lay down for a little while (she was shaking like she was having withdrawals). Collin snoozed on the couch and Crystal and I crashed in her room, we haven't done that since we were kids. Of course I was exhausted and was asleep in no time.
Pardon my language but the the "C" word is a bitch. I am so thankful that I decided to make the 900+ mile treck to Colorado to see my sister. I'm glad that for a short period of time my sister got to put having a fun time first and Cancer second.
My trip was bittersweet and so not long enough. I enjoyed the time with my step-kiddos they were so awesome! I loved their reactions to every little thing along the way. Chase didnt realize the cows in the fields were pretty far away, he thought they were "miniture cows" LOL!
Kyleigh kept saying "oh my god Christine its so flat......look at all the flatness.....wow its really flat" I was like "please, dont remind me".
With all the heartache and shock, we all had a great time on Saturday at the Zombie Crawl. TONS of great memories.
Most everyone that is near and dear to Crystal and Collin now know about her cancer so I don't feel so bad about posting this blog. I will keep all of my blog followers and FB friends who read my blog updated as often as possible on her progress. She has an amazing support system. Her husband and father-in-law have been a godsent. Thank you so much Collin and Greg for being there for her endless doctors visits and bouts of illness. Her Missouri family and friends appreciate knowing that she is in good hands.
Crystal..... I love you. You are my looking glass. And if you look on the left side of your refridgerator, under the Avalanche schedule magnet you'll find a letter I wrote you. When you have a crappy day read it.
When faced with adversity you can either let it become you or stand up and fight. If you have ever learned anything from me, let this be the lesson you live by until your well again and "C" word free.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Bitter Sweet.....

This time next month I will have my 31st birthday (the 12th) and it will be opening day of rifle season. This year will be bitter sweet because I enjoy everything that comes along with deer season and will miss the time that Josh and I spend together doing something we both love.

I miss my husband being so excited and crazed that our house smells like dirt and acorns for at least 2 months before opening day. I miss trying to cook dinner while he avidly watches every hunting show on TV and every few minutes he says "babe, you HAVE to see this one! Hurry before he's gone..." and before I get in there the scene on the TV changes and I miss the BIG one.....until 5 minutes later another BIG one comes on the screen and its the same thing over again. Its funny how that used to bug me slightly (only because it took like an hour longer to get dinner done when Im in and out of there to see the TV) and now I'd be so happy to be "bugged" because that would mean he was at home.

I'm super excited to be hunting this year (as with every year). Im a little nervous about going without Josh. I have 100 thoughts in my brain, things I cannot forget to take with me that he ALWAYS remembers. He has always been devoted to making sure I get safely in my tree stand before he heads to his. He would get up at least an hour earlier for me than he would if it was just him hunting just to get me dressed, packed up, and safely in the woods in enough time so that he could still make it to his stand before daybreak. (I am so lucky!)
I have already requested off my days of work for deer season and hope I kill a deer that would make my husband proud (though he says he's proud of me for just going and that you cant kill one every year). I did ask him what we are gonna do with my deer mount when I kill "the big one" or as we like to call it (in the words of Michael Waddell) "the mack daddy freak nasty" of them all! :) He says "you can take down one of mine for now and put yours up." YAY.
Time has been flying by pretty fast on the homefront and I am so thankful. He has put in for his leave for R & R and will be home the 10-25th of Feb. Just in time for our second anniversary.
The weather has cooled down over there and him and the crew have really been kicking butt, I am so very proud of his accomplishments thus far. :) 119 days and counting (he says they'll go by faster if I stop counting but I have to have something to look forward to).
Miss Ashlyn is growiing so fast. She is so adorable, lovable, and a little rotten. I have NO IDEA where she gets that from!? Must be from Aunt Randi or Aunt Crystal? Maybe Grandma Bev? LOL. Wherever its from she gets it honest!
I recently had my childhood/grade school BEST FRIEND(s) find me on FB. Her and her twin sister were best friends of Crystal and myself. Though it will take a while to catch up on everything that has happened in the last 17-18 years, its so great that we can keep in touch.
Well, I am going to hop off the blog train, I will try and post something again soon.
Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Beautiful Tragedy

Looks can be deceiving is how the saying goes,
how true this phrase effects me, nobody really knows.

Make lemonade out of lemons my best friend once told me,
but I can't help to feel like a beautiful tragedy.

I have never let life circumstance get me down and blue,
how would you react if the tables were turned and it was all on you?

A face they say that lights the room at any given time,
a mesmerizing spell on you, a smile to stun your eyes.

A personality to fill the void of what physically should be there,
always affraid to spill the truth, will they be curious or run scared?

Most chances have shown the human heart is full of empathy,
I dislike the times when people look down and give me sympathy.

I do not want your charity, your sorrow and your pain,
for the gift that god gave to me, I do not take in vain.

I take a chance and run with it hoping for the best,
I feel I am one of a kind, nothing like the rest.

If you take a chance I will not fail to be a friend to thee,
and maybe then you'll understand the complexity of me.

(I wrote this poem at a time in my life when I felt like everywhere I
turned I was being judged or that people were feeling sorry for me.
I wrote this poem before I realized that it didn't matter what others
thought of me only what I thought of myself. This poem was one
of the 1st reflections of how I really felt inside about being an amputee
and living life always having to worry how people would react. It was
almost a Rite of Passage of sorts. I am so blessed to be passed that
point in my life and have very supportive people who have helped
me become the person I am today.)

Poem written: January 6th 2005

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

California Dreamin'.......

Well, I know I suck really bad at this whole blog thing. I have had so much going on in my life recently that a little blogging release would have done me some GOOD!!!
So tomorrow morning I board a flight to Cali for 4 days 3 nights! It will be the 1st time I will have been away from my babygirl Ashlyn for more than 1 night at a time..... I'm going to miss her so much. I figure if my amazing husband can go 6 months at a time without seeing her I can grit through 4 days. :)
I am super excited for the trip, its also a little bittersweet. I have never really taken a trip like this, for this long without Joshua. It will be nice for the little mini-vacation and helping out with the convention but I would have enjoyed it far more if he was in tote!
So tomorrow will be the two month mark since he left for his new job excursions overseas.
Some days it feels like WOW, 2 months already! Its flying by! Then other days when I realize it's been almost 60 nights without him, with no kiss, no hug, it gets a little rough. The decision for him to go was a joint decision for our future and I thank him as often as I can for doing this for our family.
He is going to try and get leave to come home on R & R in February sometime. We figure everyone else will try and go home around Christmas and New Years, if he waits til then hopefully his chances of getting to come home will be better. :)
Ashlyn is growing so much everyday! She learns something new all the time and is such a joy to be around. I'm sure my facebook friends get tired of new pictures up of her all the time but that is my way of sharing with her daddy her progress and growth.
She is so adorable when I show her a picture of him on my cell phone, she points directly at his face on the screen and says "Da-da-da-da" at the TOP of her lungs in a screechy, excited voice.
My mother-in-law taught her "patty-cake" in about 30 minutes..... now everytime you say "patty cake Ashlyn" she claps her little hands together and then I always say "YAY Ashlyn" so now she is starting to say "yayyy" at the end of patty-cake! :) Its TOO cute!
I am pretty sure I have everything packed for my trip, but knowing me I will forget something important! I almost considered a smaller carry-on for all my shoes! I narrowed it down to my Nike shocks, two pairs of flip flops, a pair of strappy flat sandals, a pair of black dress heels (for business attire at convention), and black boots. I know I know...it's only 4 days! My husband would NOT be surprised that I am taking that many shoes! :)
I will have TONS of pictures to post after my trip. A good friend and fellow veteran from Operation Iraqi Freedom II of Joshs' will be my chauffer on Saturday so that I have a chance to see some of the sights of the area.... I'm not only excited to have someone else drive in their horrific traffic, having someone thats a good friend of Joshs as well so I'm not spending the day with a bunch of strangers is a plus too.
I wouldnt have been able to go on this trip without my little ones sitters! Thanks Stacy for picking up/dropping off at daycare as well as my mother-in-law keeping her saturday til I get back on Sunday eve. You guys are awesome!
Well..........until I write again (which if we know me, may be a month or more!).................

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It's Been a While.....

I really thought I'd be better at this blogging thing than I have been so far. I haven't written in quite a while. Miss Ashlyn has cut 4 teeth on top and 2 on bottom. She will be 10 months old on Friday and is standing all by herself now....anyday she will take off walking and my house will look like a tornado went through it! LOL
My wonderful husband has been gone for a month now (it was a month yesterday). The "single parent" thing isnt all that hard so far, but then again...she's NOT walking yet and it has only been a month. Ask me again in another month or two. I miss him like crazy, all the silly little things, and all the things he helped with out around the house. I miss him running my baths for me when I had a bad day or just because. I miss curling up next to him on the couch to watch TV (even if he spent most of that time playing poker online, LOL).
He is so determined to make a future for our family and I have so much respect for him for doing what he is doing for us. :)
I know this blog is short and sweet but he will be getting online soon, so Im gonna go. I'll try really hard to start blogging more often.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Feeling underappreciated.......

This is going to be a short and sweet blog. Sometimes I wish there were 2 of me.... so that I could get all the things done in one day that everyone expects of me. I've been having a very under-appreciated feeling lately. I am not one to want a ton of praise... I don't expect a cookie everytime I do something good, but a "nice job" every once in a while or a little appreciation without having to pull teeth would be AWESOME! I'm done, just needed to blow off some steam. Thanks for listening blog followers!

Monday, March 29, 2010

5 questions......

I was tagged in a blog to give 5 answers to 5 questions, so here goes!

Question 1: Where were you 5 years ago?
Josh had just returned from Iraq and we were living with his mom and step-dad
I was working at the Mineral Area Board of Realtors office as an Office Assistant (making like $6.50 an hour! That job didnt last long when after a year I asked for a $.50 raise and they denied it saying it 'wasn't in the budget', too bad to because the hours were great! M-Th 9-5 and Fridays 9-1).
We started looking for a place of our own
5 years ago my biological clock was ticking and Josh didn't know if he wanted anymore kids, we had a rough way to go for a while with that, I had to prove to him that I wasn't going anywhere and that I wasn't his ex-wife.
I was only 25 years old and had decided to start college back up part-time


Question 2: What is/was on your to do list today?
I need to pay bills for work
I need to refax paperwork to some physicians (for work)
I need to do some billing & coding (for work)
I have to run to walmart and get a few things for the office (coffee cups, trash bags)
I have to pick up some business cards and paperwork we had printed at Blake Graphic Arts.

Question 3: What 5 snacks do you enjoy?
Chips & Salsa
Popcorn
Anything chocolate
Double Stuffed Oreos (dont buy them that often but I love them!)
pickles!

Question 4: Name 5 places you have lived.
Belgrade, MO
Caledonia, MO
Irondale, MO
Park Hills, MO
Farmington, MO

Question 5: What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?
I'd pay off every bad account on Josh & my credit report (I know I know, who needs credit when your a billionaire, but that would be the 1st thing)
I'd purchase some simple CD's at the bank and set them to draw interest until the kids each turned 18.
I'd buy some property somewhere and we would build a dream home (probably a log cabin type house and I'd decorate it with all the cute stuff I always wish I could buy out of the Cabela's catalog!)
We would both get new vehicles
We would help out our families financially the best way we think would benefit them in the long run (sometimes just giving $$$ isn't the best strategy, you'd hafta help them with things that they could benefit from in the long run (home, car, college, property).

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wednesday thoughts........

Time is such a crazy thing. Some days major life events like births, deaths, and marriages seem like they are/were forever ago and other times it feels like yesterday. The other day I had a short conversation with a friend about how smells can trigger event flashbacks.
The smell of Old Spice aftershave always makes me think of my dad, all dressed up for church or an event (and trust me it was a major event if my dad fixed his hair and threw on the old spice, lol). If I catch a wiff of my grandma's laundry detergent concoction (she mixes special soaps/smells together) it reminds me of spending the night with her when I was little, and Crystal and I fighting to stay away til the midnight train passed through Irondale (which was always before midnight, thank goodness).
I love the smell of Ashlyn after a bath and she's all lotioned down in baby lotion. I can't get enough snuggle time, sticking my nose in between her shoulder and neck and listening to her giggle. :)
I know that things that seem like they take forever will feel like a blink of an eye sometime down the road. I can't believe I have already been married a little over a year! The 1st year flew by! My step-kids are growing like weeds and Ashlyn learns something new every single day. I feel so blessed, I have wonderful step-kids, a loving, devoted husband, a new beautiful daughter, a great job, a wonderful family, and awesome friends. I am truly greatful to be so blessed! Okay, okay... thats my Wednesday thoughts! :) (thanks for my 2 new followers!) ;)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My first BLOG!!!

I thought now was a good of a time as any to start a blog. I have blogged sporatically on other social networks but decided to start one that I intend to keep up with more regularly. I'm just learning so bare with me! There is more to come very soon! :)