Beautiful Tragedy

Looks can be deceiving is how the saying goes,
how true this phrase effects me, nobody really knows.

Make lemonade out of lemons my best friend once told me,
but I can't help to feel like a beautiful tragedy.

I have never let life circumstance get me down and blue,
how would you react if the tables were turned and it was all on you?

A face they say that lights the room at any given time,
a mesmerizing spell on you, a smile to stun your eyes.

A personality to fill the void of what physically should be there,
always affraid to spill the truth, will they be curious or run scared?

Most chances have shown the human heart is full of empathy,
I dislike the times when people look down and give me sympathy.

I do not want your charity, your sorrow and your pain,
for the gift that god gave to me, I do not take in vain.

I take a chance and run with it hoping for the best,
I feel I am one of a kind, nothing like the rest.

If you take a chance I will not fail to be a friend to thee,
and maybe then you'll understand the complexity of me.

(I wrote this poem at a time in my life when I felt like everywhere I
turned I was being judged or that people were feeling sorry for me.
I wrote this poem before I realized that it didn't matter what others
thought of me only what I thought of myself. This poem was one
of the 1st reflections of how I really felt inside about being an amputee
and living life always having to worry how people would react. It was
almost a Rite of Passage of sorts. I am so blessed to be passed that
point in my life and have very supportive people who have helped
me become the person I am today.)

Poem written: January 6th 2005

California Dreamin'.......

Well, I know I suck really bad at this whole blog thing. I have had so much going on in my life recently that a little blogging release would have done me some GOOD!!!
So tomorrow morning I board a flight to Cali for 4 days 3 nights! It will be the 1st time I will have been away from my babygirl Ashlyn for more than 1 night at a time..... I'm going to miss her so much. I figure if my amazing husband can go 6 months at a time without seeing her I can grit through 4 days. :)
I am super excited for the trip, its also a little bittersweet. I have never really taken a trip like this, for this long without Joshua. It will be nice for the little mini-vacation and helping out with the convention but I would have enjoyed it far more if he was in tote!
So tomorrow will be the two month mark since he left for his new job excursions overseas.
Some days it feels like WOW, 2 months already! Its flying by! Then other days when I realize it's been almost 60 nights without him, with no kiss, no hug, it gets a little rough. The decision for him to go was a joint decision for our future and I thank him as often as I can for doing this for our family.
He is going to try and get leave to come home on R & R in February sometime. We figure everyone else will try and go home around Christmas and New Years, if he waits til then hopefully his chances of getting to come home will be better. :)
Ashlyn is growing so much everyday! She learns something new all the time and is such a joy to be around. I'm sure my facebook friends get tired of new pictures up of her all the time but that is my way of sharing with her daddy her progress and growth.
She is so adorable when I show her a picture of him on my cell phone, she points directly at his face on the screen and says "Da-da-da-da" at the TOP of her lungs in a screechy, excited voice.
My mother-in-law taught her "patty-cake" in about 30 minutes..... now everytime you say "patty cake Ashlyn" she claps her little hands together and then I always say "YAY Ashlyn" so now she is starting to say "yayyy" at the end of patty-cake! :) Its TOO cute!
I am pretty sure I have everything packed for my trip, but knowing me I will forget something important! I almost considered a smaller carry-on for all my shoes! I narrowed it down to my Nike shocks, two pairs of flip flops, a pair of strappy flat sandals, a pair of black dress heels (for business attire at convention), and black boots. I know I know...it's only 4 days! My husband would NOT be surprised that I am taking that many shoes! :)
I will have TONS of pictures to post after my trip. A good friend and fellow veteran from Operation Iraqi Freedom II of Joshs' will be my chauffer on Saturday so that I have a chance to see some of the sights of the area.... I'm not only excited to have someone else drive in their horrific traffic, having someone thats a good friend of Joshs as well so I'm not spending the day with a bunch of strangers is a plus too.
I wouldnt have been able to go on this trip without my little ones sitters! Thanks Stacy for picking up/dropping off at daycare as well as my mother-in-law keeping her saturday til I get back on Sunday eve. You guys are awesome!
Well..........until I write again (which if we know me, may be a month or more!).................